


So Here’s What It Feels Like to be Lonely

by RaphaelSantiago (softsocky)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, I made the episode good again ok bye, M/M, Swearing, and super emo and angsty, based on 1x13 and what comes afterwards so spoiler warning if you haven't seen the season finale!, its sad but ends somewhat happen, ok so this is short and quick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6485347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softsocky/pseuds/RaphaelSantiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They haven’t broken up. He swears they haven’t. Have they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Here’s What It Feels Like to be Lonely

He didn’t want to think about the way the light had faded from his eyes, or the way he had almost forgotten the way his jackets smelt, or how his cologne consisted of musk as well as something else he couldn’t quite place, and how he would devour himself in that scent whenever he could. He didn’t blame her for this, he couldn’t, but why does he always do the wrong thing? For once, he wished he would make logical and critical decisions, ones that would bring positivity to his life, other than this foul tasting guilt in the back of his throat, heavy on his tongue.

 It was days like this where the sun was so high up in the sky that there were no shadows, no where for him to hide the way Raphael would have to hide, and it was days like this that he wished his phone would ring, and it was days like this that he wished there would be a knock on his door, and he would open it, and he would be there, arms open and eyes peaceful again.

 It was days like this that Simon wished the sun would burn his skin.

 

They hadn’t broken up. He swears they haven’t. Have they? _No._ Raphael just wanted space, he was disappointed, betrayed, yes, and Simon’s sworn loyalty no longer _was a thing_ , but that doesn’t mean Raphael no longer wanted to be with him. Did it?

 

 Simon was at the institute, and had been since Raphael had told him to leave. It had been a weak since then, and Simon still didn’t feel like going outside much. There had been knocks at his door, but he told them to leave every damn time. He didn’t want to speak to them; he didn’t even want to see them, or hear the way they could breathe, and how they could focus on something else other than his own heartbreak. They wanted him to eat, they wanted him to drink the blood that they left. He drove himself to insanity, refusing to drink until he feared he would soon drink them.

 Simon was terrified, but mostly he was sad – just _sad._ Sad in the simplest sense of the word; none of that poetic and fancy bullshit. This sadness wasn’t beautiful or admirable or something that made Simon _empowered_ or _strong_ or even _happy_ to be feeling at all in a time like this. No. This sadness was just that – _fucking sad._ Simon felt tears tugging at his eyes every time, but he refused to let them slip out because he knew they’d just be bloody and would stain his cheeks and he didn’t want to be reminded of what he was right now.

 For the first time since meeting Raphael, and since kissing him that first time, Simon wished he was still human.

 

 It happened like this:

 Raphael had made Simon put his training to good use, and to come on a hunt with them one evening instead of raiding the blood fridge like he usual did. Reluctantly, Simon agreed (not that he really had much choice in the matter anyways). It was that night that the clan had also found themselves being tracked themselves by hunters, and not long after, Simon found himself wounded and dying on the pavement in a back alley as the world rushed on around him, but Raphael holding his hand so tight he thought he’d never be able to let go again, and his face was so expressive and bloody itself from tears that Simon had just tugged Raphael’s face down to his, planting a kiss on his cheek, before blacking out. When he had awakened later, at Magnus’ loft, Raphael was still holding his hand, and instead of kissing his cheek, Simon kissed his lips.

 And now it was like this:

 Raphael didn’t want Simon around anymore, and Simon wished he could kiss any part of Raphael right now. Simon wished he could just see him again. But Simon feared Raphael would never want that again. Simon didn’t know what Raphael wanted anymore.

 

They were making him go to Taki’s with them. Isabelle and Clary, Jace and Alec, and Magnus, and they were all pestering him about his wellbeing and his emotions and talking about their successes and all Simon wanted to do was be eaten whole but a beast or some shit because this was the worst day of his life all over again. Simon didn’t want to be here, and when he ordered just a glass, he wished he could have just asked for coffee. When the table’s order arrived, they pretended not to be disgusted at his drink, but he could feel the judgement even if they tried not to.

 They were speaking about a mission Simon didn’t give a shit about when the door opened. Opposite him, Clary and Jace tensed. Magnus himself froze; and nobody at the table would make eye contact with him. Simon knew that they were of his kind, the individuals who made up the group who had just entered. He told himself not to look (but he looked).

 He made eye contact with Lily, alongside a group of six other vampires who he had once called friends. His eyes, he knew, were full of the grief he felt about the entirety of the situation – Raphael had said he was never good at controlling his emotions Raphael was always good at that, hiding his true feelings, but never to Simon. He’d always show Simon his feelings. Always told him them, too.

  _Their_ eyes were bleak, so dull Simon was sure they were seeing through him. But he knew that look; he had seen it so many times before. That was the way Raphael had looked whenever he was disappointed and sad. It was a look that was so impactful that no one could determine it. No one could recognise its presence. Except Simon, and he knew that he would never be accepted now.

 Biting his tongue and tasting blood, Simon pushed the blood away from him. Tears fell from his eyes, red and watery and falling to the tabletop beneath him. The others began to protest as he pushed himself away from the table, but he refused to meet their eyes. “ _Please_ ,” he whispered, hearing his own desperation. “ _Please_ let me go.”

 As he left the diner, he could feel several vampiric stares on his back.

 

His bed was uncomfortable and the sun was heavy. The sun was heavy in the way that a burden was on one’s shoulders; his bed uncomfortable in the way a single person feels when their lover leaves them. Simon hugged his pillow in the way Raphael used to hug him from behind, despite Simon being taller, but Simon didn’t feel safe and comfortable and warm and loved. Simon felt abused and cold and _sour_ and _hateful_ at not only himself, but everyone else around him. For the second time, Simon wished the sun would scold his skin the way it would burn Raphael’s, because what is a world where there is not love in it?

 

 He did not sleep that night – _day –_ and even though he had been blessed enough to walk in Sunlight, Simon had learnt not too, because Raphael couldn’t, and Simon wanted to be awake when Raphael was. That’s just how it was. Weeks passed in the same fashion; no sleep, little blood, no love. The memories still haunted Simon the way demons haunted the mundanes, but this time, Simon embraced them, because despite these memories killing him, at least he got to see Raphael’s face again.

 

 It was after the second month that had passed that the others had put their foot down.

 He was drinking a cup of blood (by force) in the kitchen. Simon wanted to drown in it (not in the good way; in the literal way, so that he would officially be a dead undead individual).

 Clary slammed her own coffee mug down, “okay. That’s it.” She looked at Jace, who looked at Isabelle, who then looked at Simon. Alec was looking at Clary, expectant, like he knew what was coming. Simon just looked at the stainless steel countertop in agony.

 “You have to go back to the hotel, Simon.”

 His head shot up, eyes full of fury. “I can’t go back there, Clarissa.” Clary bit her tongue upon hearing her name spat out in the way it was, between the lips of her best friend, from the tongue of her brother.

 Jace went to speak, but Simon had already had enough. “It was because of your actions and desires that I am in this situation. I am not blaming you, but you can’t blame all this shit on me either!”

 Isabelle spoke softly this time. “But why has this affected you so much?” She hesitated, “I mean, it’s not like Raphael was ever that…kind to any of us.”

 Simon scoffed, “yeah, he’s not kind to any of _you.”_ He spat the word the way he spat at himself in his mind. “He’s not kind to people not of his kind, especially those who demand help yet never give back.” He was thankful that they hadn’t spoken, because he was no where near finished, and he knew that this was _now or never_. “He…he was kind to me. So kind. Raphael and I were…together, together in the way you are with Magnus, Alec. I loved him and he loved _me back._ ” Everyone but Clary looked shocked, “and now I’ve lost my home and my _love_. And I have no one to blame but myself, and my bloody devotion to people who may now be my enemy because I am everything you all hate!” He paused before whispering to himself, “I am everything I hate.”

 They didn’t speak after that, but when he returned to his room, the anger inside of him had dissipated, and the next evening he apologised, and they to him.

 

A week later, Simon walked back to the hotel.

 

He knocked on the hotel door, even though he knew they knew he was there. Lily opens it slowly, as though she were dreading speaking to him. She bit her lip as she regarded him, opening the door wider to let him inside.

 The hotel was quiet, no other vampire in sight, until Simon heard a crash come from the direction of Raphael’s room upstairs, followed by a deathly yell from a voice that made Simon’s lifeless heart clench. Vampires soon swarmed the entrance hall, but stopped suddenly upon seeing him. Hastily trying to beeline for the front door, pushing Simon aside, _He_ appeared from down the stairs.

 Simon noticed the exact moment Raphael saw him, and the way his body tensed and eyes widened in ways Simon had only seen once before (when he had kissed him). Simon’s back was stiff and sore from his uncomfortable bed, and he wasn’t wearing a jacket and for the first time in a long time he felt freezing cold (or maybe he had just noticed the absence of Raphael’s unexplainable warmth). Simon wanted to hug him and kiss him and make love to him again, but all that felt lost to him now. Raphael’s eyes were unforgiving and as cold as Simon felt, and it was just him and Raphael, Lily and the rest of the clan having slipped from the room.

 Raphael slowly began to thaw; his body lurching mechanically towards him, slower than he had ever moved before. Each step was in balance to the movement of the earth; everything about Raphael was synchronised and planned and determined, but now Raphael looked and felt messy and detached from everything around him.

 When Raphael met him, stood inches from him, their noses touching, and unnecessary breaths hitting each other’s lips, Simon realised what was about to happen.

 Raphael was going to kiss him, and kissed him he did – it was as beautiful and timely as their first, and yet their first had not possessed this much anger and determination to prove a point.

 Later that evening, lying naked in Raphael’s bed, arms around each other as though they feared to be separated again, Simon spoke. “I never wanted to lose you.”

 Raphael didn’t respond for a moment, and Simon feared the worst, but when he did, it was nothing he was expecting. “You never lost me. I was always here, waiting for you to find your way back to me.” Simon began to cry, bloody tears on Raphael’s chest.

 “Raph, that’s the same thing. You were gone, and I was gone, we were both gone.”

 Raphael put a hand under his chin, lifting his lips to meet his, beginning when they had just finished. “Well, we’re gone together then. Forever.”

 

 The sun is still heavy, and on its heaviest days, it falls most on Simon and Raphael – but his bed is comfortable again, and his soul is clean.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you thought :)


End file.
